Over the past few weeks, there has been an exceptional demand on my time imposed by a summons that I received from the Census Bureau. It informed me that as a native-born United States citizen over the age of 35, I was officially obliged to serve my country by either 1) acting as juror in the Travis County Traffic Court, or 2) running for President. I chose the latter as more fun and more rewarding.

Setting up an ‘exploratory committee’ has proven unexpectedly onerous since most experienced trail guides already have signed on with other candidates. Then there is the matter of a campaign slogan. “In the Begging is the Slogan” – as my fellow Texan Karl Rove explained to me. “A Frappuccino in every cup” appealed to me but then I discovered that the copyright belongs to Howard Schultz. I thought of catchy alternatives: “Keep America Great!” “Beyond The Average.”

Somehow, though, they lacked the punch to stir voters – nothing like “Change You Can Believe In.” (Obama really had a way with words). So, I came up with something more intriguing that should grab the attention of both the pointy-heads and the rednecks: “WHY NOT!”

I was confident that it would keep the commentariat engaged in feverish debates about its true meaning; thereby filling the air with mindless speculation over whether deep down I was a Moderate Republican, a blue-collar Democrat or some other as yet unidentified extinct species. I could even envisage the editors at The New York Times giving me a rapturous endorsement on the Sunday before election day.

“There is much that we still don’t know about this oddball’s character or his plans for the nation. We judge the odds as 50-50 on whether his Presidency will leave America better off or worse off. In the final analysis, leaving it pretty much as it is seems to us to be both a more likely outcome and a more favourable prospect when compared to what the dismal crop of other candidates have on offer.”

Thus encouraged, I set out to find a top-notch political consultant. An old Washington hand referred me to a legendary figure who was the eminence gris behind some of the most stunning electoral upsets ever recorded. To this darkest of dark horses, the gentleman seemed to be just the sort of adviser whom I desperately needed. My upbeat mood was soon to be punctured.

Calling what I was told was the legend’s direct line, I received this recorded message: “Thank you for calling Mission Impossible Associates. Your candidacy is very important to us. It will be dealt with in the order received. The heavy seasonal demand for our services has led to unusually high call volume. If you prefer not to hold, please leave your name and contact information and a representative will get back to you before Super Tuesday. Alternately, you can visit us on the Web at www.missimp@yahoo.com”

My electoral outlook was instantly looking dimmer. Still, I felt the urge to persevere – encouraged by a review of the competition. At least I know better than did the Veep who used the occasion of an outdoor assembly in Seoul to reaffirm the deep, fraternal ties between the United States and NORTH Korea. (Although she may just have a better fix on voter sentiment in the Pyongyang suburbs than I do).

In the end, though, I abandoned this fanciful project of self-reinvention on the stump. The final straw was CNN’s rejection of my appeal for them to organize a Town Hall Meeting where I could introduce myself to America. So the idea now is relegated to the dustbin of blasted dreams.

In compensation for this dereliction, I have chosen to render service by inscribing Ten Commandments for those brave enough to enter the ring.

10 Commandments

1)     I am the Constitution, who brought you out of bondage to King George III. You shall have no other serments before ME. [avowel/oath/pledge/seal]

2)    You shall not make yourself a craven American image composed of Bigotry and Fear.

3)    Honour Peace & Tranquillity by refraining from announcing your candidacy before the first day of the election year.

4)    You shall not take the name of the Constitution in vain by swearing that your sole reason for seeking the Presidency is love of America.

5)    Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall campaign, on the seventh day you shall maintain silence under Heaven and devote yourself to reflection on the prospects of your favourite sports team.

6)    You shall not murder the American language by speaking in sound bites.

7)     You shall not commit adultery by consorting with enemies of your constituents.

8)    You shall not steal the nomination by scheduling any of the first 5 primaries in a state that does not host a major league sports franchise.

9)    You shall not bear false witness against your opponents by slander or wilful misrepresentation.

10)            You shall not covet your opponent’s donors; nor his/her algorithms; nor his/her speech writers; nor his/her cosmetic surgery; nor his/her Ivy League.

 Supplemental Advisories

-       All “try-outs” before billionaires must be video-taped and made public.

-       Reveal at least one ‘skeleton’ in your closet before the IOWA caucuses.

-       Pledge to forsake golf as a pastime – except if played at a public course on Saturday morning. 

-       Ban all reference to immediate family except as a warning to voters of their constituting a potential distraction /disruption in the conduct of public business.

-       Explain the bipartisan consensus on the regular practice of stripping the Social Security Trust fund of its surpluses to cover current imbalances in the general budget.

-       Explain how you would ensure that troops in combat have access to gluten-free meals.

-       Pledge to reject all salutation as “Mr. President” and replace it with “Sir.”

-       Eliminate anyone who makes a big deal of being the first member of some demographic group sniffing at the door of the Oval Office 240.

-       Agree that all debates be scheduled at times when the strongest TV competition is reruns of “Lassie Finds A Home.”

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