Politicians, we are told, use words to conceal their thoughts and not to express them as ordinary people do. That art blossoms to its best during the election season — also known as the silly season or ‘mat’wali mausam. All leaders try to be all things to all people. Just try to imagine what these leaders would say if they were really to speak their minds? Let’s have a go at it.

Narendra Modi

I had left clear instructions for that rally. Yet they goofed up some of the things. It shows that Advani still has some pockets of influence in the party. How can the country be run like this? Whenever I talk about the country, some people whisper behind my back that “Saheb, you have not become prime minister as yet.” My sources dutifully report such malicious whispers to me. Let the time come.

Some people say I am contesting from two places because I am not sure of winning. They do not know even ABC of politics, especially politics in the BJP. You have to displace some people from the place they want to stand from; you have to force some people to stand from a place they do not want to stand from; and you have to prevent some people from standing altogether. For that you have to do many things which will not be readily intelligible to all people. Only about one thing there should be no doubt in anybody’s mind: who is the boss.

Arvind Kejriwal

Ambani’s agents are everywhere in the media. They are asking all sorts of questions to me, forgetting that asking questions and making allegations is my monopoly. I can question Narendra Modi’s record on economic development, I can accuse Delhi’s Lt. Governor of being a Congress agent and I can doubt the need for Army’s presence in J & K. Proof? My word is enough.

Unfortunately, media has lost the plot. Instead of reporting and amplifying my questions and allegations targeting others, they are now carrying reports that popular support for me and my party is eroding fast, that I have still not vacated the two spacious bungalows allotted to me as Delhi’s chief minister and that I have forgotten all about Congress’s corruption. They must have been bribed by Modi’s corporate backers. They will come to their senses once we win 100 seats and play kingmakers in Delhi. I have already hinted what is in store for them. I heard cricket boss Srinivasan is planning to join AAP to acquire a lily white image. Great!

Sharad Pawar

Sometimes I really wonder whether our people are fit for democracy. Recently, at a public meeting I told my supporters that they should vote twice: once while in their native places which they visit every summer and then again in Mumbai where they stay and work. You know the art of removing the ink mark from the finger, I gently reminded them.

And lo and behold! All hell broke loose as if I was inciting them to do something terrible. Election Commission and police were dragged in. Nobody appreciated that I was only trying to strengthen democracy by increasing people’s participation in it. For that we need to work at grassroots level in a manner that is readily understood by people, which is what I have been doing all these years. Instead of getting any appreciation for my work, I was made to do lot of explaining. Phew!

Sonia Gandhi

People of India may or may not get bread, but me and my family will never run short of butter. Soon after Raul’s interview on TV, poor boy was butt of cruel jokes on social media and these Congressmen met me with big bouquets to congratulate me for Raul’s performance in the interview. Even now, some of them assure me that Congress will get around 300 seats.

When I ask them sternly which seats they are talking about, they stammer for a while before clarifying that it was about group booking in the multiplex. I often ask them to tell me the truth, even if it is unpalatable. But they keep saying that Modi fears our family, which is why he is not contesting from Rae Bareli or Amethi.

Rahul Gandhi

My name is Rahul Gandhi. I am… Congress candidate for prime ministership… no, I am not… I mean I am…

It is a bit embarrassing, but nobody talks about me these days. Everywhere it is either dadhee or muffler. It is not that I did not try. I grew a beard, cried hoarse, made aggressive statements … but nothing seems to work. The media is no longer interested in me.

A wag told me he had a grand idea. “Boss, I suggest you file your nomination papers from Amethi and then withdraw your candidature on the last day. Then see the media attention you will get. You will be all over TV channels and newspapers. Your family has a glorious tradition of making sacrifices for the country. This is the best sacrifice you can make for the country. It will create a great sympathy wave in favour of Congress.” Really? Or is someone pulling up a fast one on me? Have to ask Diggi uncle.